The Fourth Trimester

I was not prepared.

I originally entitled this piece ‘Edgy at the end of post partum’ and I wrote it in March. I’ll leave those words below and add to it now from my May 2026 perspective which is greatly changed.

It’s Thursday March 12th. My baby is five weeks old today. There is a yellow weather warning for the wind in Kerry and the garden is water logged from the rain. I just finished a gua sha facial massage in an attempt to shift my energy. Today I am feeling edgy at the end of post partum.

My partner goes back to work next week after six weeks off that he had for paternity leave. I realise that this could be one of the reasons I feel so edgy on this day. I look over to the floral arrangement I made the day before when it was sunny and I had walked with the buggy up to the shops to get some flowers and I realise how tired I must be because the arrangement, although colourway vibing, is desperate. I never cut the two types of flowers (tulips and daffodils) to be the same length so the tulips are just hanging, swinging over the daffodils and it looks a bit mad. If you saw it without reading this you would say “jeepers! the Woman who made that must be mad as a bag of spiders”.

There is a low hum of sadness, too. The last few weeks have flown by and our daughter is thriving but now that she doesn’t fit into some of her newborn vests and baby grows and is clearly starting to come out of that phase, I feel as though it is all going too fast. I’m waiting for a call back from the perinatal mental health nurse so I can begin my EMDR therapy to help me try to get over the trauma I am dealing with around the birth and in general just get some support through this huge transition into becoming a mother. I’m surprised how this is not just part and parcel of post natal health care for every and all mothers. I hope I get over it, I want to have more children but the riskiness of an uncontrolled labour makes me really nervous. I’d ideally love to avoid the impending sense of death for the next ones. In 2026, surely this can be avoided.

A feeling of excited anxiety is also lingering. I am ready to meet my friends with my baby but unfortunately most of them either live abroad or in other counties. So far the baby has only met family. The sense of happy anxt can only be treated with plans in place which are there but I wish all my friends and I just lived in the same town - imagine a world.

Post partum has been good to us. Myself, my baby and my partner. We have melted into the happenings and surrendered to all the waves and rollercoasters. We make a great team, the three of us, but perhaps there is a fear lurking that it might not always be this way. With post partum comes the realisation that although I have been able to control me, myself and I in my life so far, I now have another human being to take care of and guide that I actually have no control over. My baby is a totally new and separate soul.

It’s now May 6th and we have emerged from the fourth trimester. I read over what I wrote above and I’d love to be able to time travel back to the Woman writing it and give her a big huge hug and tell her that she is doing amazing and things are going to get a lot easier. Becoming a Mother for the first time is one of the most difficult things a person can do in their life. I did not understand this when I was wishing our baby to us. I have ‘Amor Fati’ tattooed on my left shoulder and throughout the difficult parts; the sleepless nights; the witching hours; the hormone drops and so on I kept re reading what it means: Amor fati is a Latin phrase translating to "love of fate" or "love of one's fate." It is a mindset of radical acceptance, urging individuals to not just endure, but embrace and love everything that happens in life—including suffering, loss, and challenges—as necessary, purposeful, and essential to their journey. What I got from it is the soul encouragement that I can do it, anything that life throws at me. I can and will do it.

I’m really enjoying breastfeeding now even though it is extremely difficult for the first month. I’m lucky that I never had milk supply issues or mastitis so I was given a good go at it which I know a lot of other Mothers struggle with. For me, the difficult part was the mental battle of just needing to surrender to it. The cluster feeding, specifically, which made me feel like tension in my body and mind were clawing at my skin. Especially when I was so sleep deprived.

There is no quick fix for any of these things and I think because we live in a world where there is a quick fix for almost everything, first time motherhood feels so, constantly tense.

It's hard to believe that even with only a 3 month old baby, her first smile is already a memory. I remember when it first happened around 6/7 weeks, and it made all the anxiety and worry melt away. Babies are so intuitive. They give you little glimpses of them understanding what’s going on, almost like offering an olive branch during the tougher moments that make you stop, smile to yourself, and take it all in.

I had the appointment with the perinatal mental health midwife who told me I did not need EMDR therapy and that what happened throughout my labor and delivery was disgraceful. After telling her what happened she told me that the delivery midwives did not give me the care I needed. That’s the short version. I still can’t believe I was left to labor alone in the delivery room after being told my partner shouldn’t come in because I will be so long in labor (an attitude that is ingrained about first time Mothers). My rapid labor meant that none of the pain relief worked and I was alone, screaming for relief and help with only the sides of the bed to support me. It’s devastating for me to think about and if I could travel back to the Woman giving birth that night I would stay by her side and help her through every contraction…just like the midwives should have. Definition & Role: Derived from the term "with woman," midwifery is the skill and science of assisting women through pregnancy, labor, and postpartum care. “With woman” ladies. Shame on them.

My baby has met as many of my friends now as possible and loved every minute. I’ve had face times with the ones yet to hold her in person and I’m feeling more connected and accepting of the fact that my friends are scattered on the map of the world. It’s so lovely seeing them laugh and cover their mouth in disbelief I come as a two part act now. Such gorgeous memories are being made with my little cherub.

Now that I have relaxed into Motherhood and understand that this is my purpose now, nothing else is as important I am enjoying things a lot more. When she sleeps I try to have 40 winks with her. We go on long walks together in nature, she loves the birds and the trees here in Kerry. I’ve slowed down which is the only thing for this time. A slow, loving pace and when things get overwhelming we take a walk. It’s all feeling a lot like a restorative yoga class now. Loads of hugs and tender moments in every day.

I sit here now on the couch writing this piece. Laptop leaning on my kneecaps while Miss Princess is asleep across me on her cushy puff pillow (she loves snoozing and resting on this as it’s such a soft and squishy surface). I’ve let out a sigh of relief as for someone who feels like they did not achieve very much in life, I’ve achieved this. Life is good and I’m coming out of the fourth trimester on a bag of balloons.